Needed to get these out.
No real reason for being philosophical.

I am too quick to judge, really-I give everyone a fair chance in the beginning. If they do something to irk me, I can sense it. Reason for being, I've met a lot of people from all across the board. I can read people pretty well and pick up on their subtleties. Also, I'm admitting that jealousy does sometimes come into play with judgments. Sorry, I'm a terrible person.
I don't look out for Number 1-To clarify, I'm not talking urination. I mean that I don't care about myself for the most part. This isn't a fake plea saying that I'm 100% altruistic. It means that I haven't taken a keen interest in my own well being. I don't make big decisions on my own. I rely on others to make decisions for me. It's easier that way, but then I end up feeling next to nothing when I have no heart/mind into a decision. I need to focus on myself and what I am doing in life.
I am better than you think and I should show it (it's supposed to be horribly vague)
I get jealous
I am usually unhappy and I wish against all wishes to naturally be upbeat
Over the past break, I find that I am really behind in the college process. I can't stand hearing about people freaking out about interviews, internships, and what classes they're taking. I don't worry about that. But should I?
I really don't have anything in common with the people I graduated high school with. They're all off at their schools doing well and living out the college cliche. Jealous? Sometimes.
I don't have enough friends. Thanks UTD.

i can't find anything to smile about.
give me something to smile about, please.
make this pain in my chest go away.
it's not heart-related, i hope...but it really hurts.
seriously, every morning when i wake up my chest hurts.
it's like a throbbing pain that comes and goes.

semester's ending and people will be leaving.
most of my friends from school will be heading back home and i'll probably not see them til January.
Alex is graduating in a few weeks and he's looking to move to Montana in early January for AmeriCorps work for a year.

I don't know how my entire family will react, really.
It's scary what this could do to everyone.

I registered for my next semester at UTD already, so I'm sticking around as planned.
As for next fall...who knows.
My parents are really pressing me to finish up here.
I think it will be easiest and cheapest to do so.
However, it's really boring and really difficult.
If I stay here, my parents are saying I can get an apartment.
It's terrible that they're taking this thing that I want so badly and hanging it over my head to try and keep me around now that Alex will be gone.
Then again, it's nice they're offering a possibility of getting an apartment for me.

Everyday is a challenge and I really want a day off from my life.

How can you expect to grow and evolve when you're spinning your wheels in a place you haven't left?
This question comes to me as I look at my life in basically, a rut.
I do the same thing, day in and day out.
It's almost that I've been programmed to do so.
I am a habitual being by nature, and in my current living situation, habits are life.
I have to base my life and schedule mainly around the people I live with.
I am trying to break out of daily routines just because they bore me.
I need excitement!
I need adventure!
I need change!
This is why I feel I've kept jumping schools, in a sense.
I can't stay in a place for that long.
Actually, I can't do anything for that long unless I have the deep passion for it.
I've grown accustomed to moving around between 12 different houses in my childhood.
I can't change any of that, but I want to be able to change my future.
I love changing the people that I hang out with, because it forces me to make friends, and when I see friends I haven't seen in a while, I can really appreciate them more.

I have all these aspirations, but because I am still financially dependent, I feel like I'm not in control of my own fate at this point.
I can't get piercings.
I can't get tattoos.
I get crap whenever I want to change my hairstyle/color, eventhough I pay for it.
It's just change.
It's expression.
I can't move out because it's too much money and who knows if I transfer in the fall.
I can't get motivated enough to work to my potential in school.

It's just the reflex/pendulum theory.
The harder and harder you push something, the harder and harder it's going to push back in the opposite direction.
My parents have pushed me so hard and have set so many boundaries/limitations/regulations that I just want to push against it.


When life has no change, life has no meaning.

utd is sad.
plain and simple.
i have adults telling me that it's such a good school, but i just don't see it.
there are just concrete buildings, basically no events ever happening on campus, and everyone commutes.
i am still living at home, and i am really sick of it.
i know it's nice to have a home to be at, and a car, and it's the cheapest living available.
but i want need my independence.
i have talked about this extensively with my parents, but they are against me getting an apartment.
why?
because there's not much money left in my college account.
why?
because my dad squandered most of it by keeping it in his failing companies.
i really do use squander, because it didn't need to be there.
anyone could have told you that the stock market is not safe.
i don't care how long you have been in the business world, it's proven to not be safe.
also, i want to transfer away from utd. (big surpise)
this would make college numero 4 for me.
a record, perhaps? no.
but i can't get a good rate for an apartment if i transfer somewhere in august '08.
i could get an apartment for 9 months, but who knows for how much.
and i can't find a roommate, because josh is content with living back at his house.

other news!
still coaching at plano west.
i am in the offensive coordinator for the varsity team.
but it's the same story, kind of, as being at utd.
being a high school lacrosse coach for my third year, at age 20, is unheard of.
ever.
and my parents keep telling me how great it is for a resume, but i don't see it now.
it's really time consuming, it's frustrating, i haven't been paid yet, and again frustrating.
i'm way younger/less experienced than other coaches so i don't get respect.
you know, i've done enough coaching to put it on my resume, but i need to money.
i could get another job, hopefully one less frustrating, but who knows.

am i extremely humble, or just lacking self-confidence to not have the whole coaching/utd thing really affect me?

girls are still a miss.
it comes down to the lack of the attractive/cool ones at utd.
i mean, it sounds ridiculous to say that there are none, but i'm pretty sure it's true.
i haven't found any, besides nealy, but perhaps the others are commuters and i just haven't seen them yet.

i'm really just looking to find something permanent.
permanence has been lacking my whole life.
i can go and list the instances:
-changing colleges twice, and looking for a third transfer.
-constantly moving around while growing up.
-ever-changing friend situations
-never really kept a girlfriend very long
-i've got a changing family with people going every different direction all around me.

i need something permanent, and it can't be being confused.
or how about permanently not being sad.

it may sound bad, but i really think if my parents get a divorce, it would be better in the long run.
my mom deserves a better husband.
alex, daniel, and i deserve a better father figure.
he provides money for everything we basically need, but he thinks that's all he has to do.
and because he does so, he thinks he can tell anyone to do anything.
and neglect my mom and just never supply companionship.
but, in the end, it's not my call, but i really hate that mom told me that she was thinking about getting a divorce.
it's really not what i need to have on my mind.

ive had crippling migraines this past week, and again, they have started up already for this week.
awesome.

i want a girlfriend.
it's fucking time.
i need someone to make me happy being where i am in life.
yes, i had admitted that i can't find it within myself to do so.
i have a lot to offer, but i can't help to shake this inkling that i come off as creepy.
for real.
i cannot keep anyone's attention, much less females'.
i really hope it's not true, but it may just be.
i don't know what could be causing it.
do i come off as desperate?
i don't want to be, but i just may be desperate since it's been so long.
and the last few relationships i had, ended terribly.
argh.
i miss holding hands with a girl.
i miss hugging a girl.
i miss kissing a girl.
i miss cuddling with a girl.
i miss having a girl.

all the guys out there are doing something right, and why can't i?

sign me up for the next season of the pick-up artist.

I've finally found the time to recap my entire vacation, so here we go.
Staying with Sam's extended family for 3 days was dumb.
York, Pennsylvania Leg
*I appreciate having a place to stay for a few days, but I didn't need to get there early.
*Philadelphia Eagles training camp in 105 degrees is never fun.
*And I don't care for pro football.
*Places in Pennsylvania like Crystal's Cave, Intercourse, Hellertown (right next to Bethlehem) make me LOL.
*Sam's family is weird through and through, more than most families.
*I was uber-excited to leave.
Baltimore/Virgin Festival Leg
*Baltimore is sketch, plain and simple.
*When you pass a place called "Super Kennedy's Fried Chicken" it really scares you.
*Sam's 18 year old cousin was the worst driver ever, and I have never wanted to punch a girl so much
*EconoLodge has no reason to charge $160/night.
*Sam's cousin electing to sleep on the dirty floor with the even dirtier comforter as her blanket made me smile, because she just doesn't know how dirty/disease-ridden they are.
**Virgin Festival Recap**
Day 1/Saturday
*Shout Out Out Out Out was amazing and there was no better way to kick off the Festival.
*I met and hung out with all of them after playing electric cowbell for one of their songs onstage with them.
*Having to wait through Amy Winehouse and Cheap Trick was worth it to see Incubus
*Amy Winehouse is way too skinny/boring but I did get to meet her and share a Mountain Dew with her, so oh well.
*Incubus was awesome, except for the heat/dust/lack of water/tons of dudebro's, but still amazing. I caught Jose's drumstick since we were only 3 people back from the front barrier.
*Walked from there to get refreshments and saw Peter Bjorn & John and they were delightful and then followed them to the autograph sesh where we chatted and so forth.
*Didn't make too much effort to see LCD Soundsystem but luckily, they played Daft Punk is Playing at My House second, so that was enough for me.
*Beastie Boys were great live but then I went over to TV on the Radio where I was enjoying myself a lot and then asked if I would come up on stage and play maracas for one song because I was in the front and jumped at the opportunity.
*I thanked them all and them I hung out in the VIP box above the stage and hung out with 3 of the guys from Shout Out again and we had a great time.
*The Police drew the major older crowd while Modest Mouse entertained the younger one.
Day 2/Sunday
*Dan Deacon started with problems with his keyboard, but we still had fun there dancing while Gregg Gillis aka Girl Talk heckled him saying "You're eating into my stagetime!"</b>
*I then helped Dan carry some equipment to his little area in the dance tent while Gregg set-up his computer and began his introduction.
*I didn't leave the backstage area and when he started music and asked for people to come up on stage, I ran on and proceeded to dance my heart out to the best concert of my life.
*At the end, I went up and met Gregg and thanked him for blowing our collective minds.
*Sam had caught Gregg's sunglasses when he threw them out and then upon begging Sam for them, he gave them to me. Yessir.
*We then headed over to the North Stage and hung out for Regina Spektor (who was just tickled to be performing), Spoon (sound problems really hindered their set), Panic! at the Disco (they were alright, but it's shocking how many guys in their 20s were screaming for them to play...yikes.)
*The Yeah Yeah Yeahs were amazing, as always, with Karen O being possessed by the music. Afterwards, I was able to meet guitarist Nick Zinner while he was walking to the South Stage.
*Then we forged forward in to the crowd through Interpol waiting for the Pumpkins set.
*Finally the time was here! It had been overcast the whole day and it began raining lightly right before the Smashing Pumpkins went on.
*It had taken me hours of waiting that day, and months before, to see them and I made it to the front and center for the whole set.
*Absolutely amazing lightshow, Billy Corgan, Jimmy Chamberlin, and the other new members were great. They mixed new Zeitgeist tracks in with old classics.
*They opened with the new United States track and lengthened it to about 15 minutes, threw in a few jam minutes here and there, played 1979, Zero, and other favorites, and then ended with a spectacular version of Heavy Metal Machine.
*Side note-Anyone noticed the new bassist? She's gorgeous and rather than tapping her feet to the beat, she gyrated her hips and seduced the 40,000+ in attendance.
*Alas, the Festival was over and we headed to the BWI Comfort Suites for the night.
*The next morning I hopped on the AmTrak to Washington D.C. to stay with my family there and got back on Friday evening.
I've been catching up on some much needed sleep and I have to say, it's nice to sleep in my own bed again after 10 days.

so it's been mostly music buzz lately.
leaving for my whirlwind baltimore/pa/baltimore/georgetown trip on wednesday.
super excited to say the least.
they posted the schedule for the 2 days of Virgin Festival and I get into the same trap as I do whenever I go to festivals:
i see the bands.
i see the stages.
i try to plan out how i want to see the bands.
i see how the bands overlap and are on opposite ends of the venue area.
however!
it's pretty well arranged for my liking and hopefully i'll be able to see at least 5 of my top picks.
can't freaking wait.
and oddly enough, modest mouse is the last band playing on day 1 and not the police.
weird.

in other music news, i bought a bass.
a beautiful, shiny, new gibson thunderbird in a natural wood finish.
i really want to learn it and see if a band could come into the picture.
maybe i'll get one with utd?
i wanna play and sing if i get the chance, but right now i'm really inspired.
i know that during the festival, i'll only get more inspired.
i've always had the thought in the back of my mind and i've done two other small band gigs, most recently over 2 years ago.
again, nothing was huge because they were just for one show and then were done with.

i love music.
i love listening to it.
i want to love playing it.
i want to have people loving the music i hope to make.
playing concerts.
jamming around.
having adoring fans.
having fun.

i'm just in a really good place right now.

oh and steve, my music festival can kick your music festival's ass.
BECAUSE I'VE GOT GIRL TALK!
love you, steve.

post script.
i met joe rogan tonight.
who knew he was only 5 foot 7.
and that he said WAY too many penis jokes and i've never heard a comic use the word Fuck as many times as he did.

thoughts come flooding in after certain stimuli.
it's a strange phenomenon, the human mind.

i've been thinking a lot lately, because basically, i haven't been up to that much.
my family issues are starting to sort themselves out, i believe.
mom and dad are trying to get along more, but i still hear mom's outbursts complaining.
i really wonder what happens, but not for my sake, but more for daniel's and mom's.
dad is too oblivious and pre-occupied with work for him to really know what's going on.
i really really need to get my apartment and stop living at home.
i'm done with the circus and the crap that goes on here.
it's just day-in and day-out people getting tired of one another.
every interaction seemed strained with my family.
i mean, even talking about a family vacation was torture.
could you even imagine keeping all of us together somewhere we couldn't get away from each other?
i'd call that hell.
probably the 2nd circle, maybe the 3rd. i'll check.
but thankfully, travel plans tend to disperse us. oh so thankfully.
i leave for my baltimore trip on the 1st of august and get this:
i fly to baltimore and sam and his mom are driving 2 hours from york, pennsylvania to pick me up.
then i go back with them to hang out with their family and go to Eagles training camp.
yep, they are hardcore philly eagles fans, so we'll have fun i'm sure.
i've already been told, by sam's mom, that their family will get me drunk because i DD'ed sam a few months back.
how awesome is that?
then we'll head back to the baltimore-area on friday the 3rd and check into our star-studded econolodge for...
awesome.
i have never been more excited with a festival.
i got tickets and you don't.
booyah!
the pumpkins, incubus, girl talk, peter bjorn & john, tv on the radio, ben harper, shout out out out, modest mouse, beastie boys, yeah yeah yeahs, 311, spoon, AND THEY JUST FREAKING ADDED BOTH DAN DEACON AND EXPLOSIONS IN THE SKY!
yeah, semi-orgasm was just experienced after i checked the lineup again.
parties, orgies, heatstroke and similar activities will consume the weekend (hopefully no health issues, for real).
then on monday, i take a train from baltimore into the amazing Union Station in Georgetown for 4 more days there with more extended family.
what an amazing trip worked out for me.
i can't wait.

however, life's been boring mostly.
i haven't really been out much.
and i came to realize some things today.
i seem to get attracted to girls that have some spark of interest for me.
im talking about things such as really cool hair and makeup.
they just spark my intrigue but the same thing always happens.
they turn out to have REALLY BIG WALLS put up and i can't figure them out.
i'm not making it a point to figure girls out, because i never ever will.
i'm referring to just getting to know them.
i don't know if it's me or their own agendas, but i they don't get into me.
i show my interest but i just come on too strong.
i need to chill out and just have good times.
seriously, it's not like it's the name of my radio show or anything.
oh wait, it is.
(clink)
i want to just meet people, preferably near me.
i'm sick of being single.
seeing couples all around me.
i want that.
it's been long enough and i'm ready for a successful relationship.
something longer than a month or two.
pick me!
i'm desperate, but they don't need to know that.

i happen to think im pretty good looking.
i'm not ugly.
i take care of myself appearance-wise.
i need work on the inside though.
i'm starting to get more knotches in my belt, so i want to now show off my confidence more.
confidence is something that i need to show more of, because it's just so damn important not only for myself, but also appeals to females.
because no one wants an emo-kid, really.

i want to cuddle with a special girl.
i've been having dreams of it and now i want it to come true.

i really don't understand why i can't be like so many people and be in a relationship.
i mean, i have my theories on it, but i don't really know what's stopping me.
i know that i 9 out of 10 times will get choked up and not have an ounce of confidence going up and talking to a random girl that i like.
but why?
failed track record, that's why.
relationships haven't come easy for me.
they've always been broken off by the girl.
always.
perhaps i hang on to the relationship and tell myself things will work out.
another thing, sex really messes it up.
i've my lesson on that.
sex and other actions relating to sex too early is an almost guaranteed failed relationship.
unless you're not me, and you have better luck.
i need to find girls that i can just be comfortable with.
i don't like having to feel like i can't be myself around them.
it's a sad notion, but i now have figured out all my qualities and what i can really offer a girl.
i need to stop idolizing girls and sex and the combination of such.
i need to just stop caring about those things so i can stop feeling lonely and wanting a relationship.
i must come off too strong to girls and just sabotage any chance of a relationship.
i hate it when i have feelings for a girl and then i can just talk and talk about anything with her at first but then after a little bit, my feelings really kick in and i become self-conscious about what i'm saying.
i think i start by showing girls that i am fun and outgoing until i end up being quiet and then ultimately freaking them out and making myself look needy and desperate.
it's happened so many times.
i can look back and say that the most fun relationships that i have had started the same way.
i came off as confident, witty, and fun.
i am all of those things, but it takes the right situation for all of them to come out.
i have confidence in myself and i really wish a girl would take the small risk on me.
really soon, i might add.

I'm 20.
Score.
Get it?

Wow.
I finished the Spring Semester on Wednesday.
It's almost too early for it to sink in.
Dyed my hair blonde, well, most of it at least.
Neil Hamburger tomorrow.
And I don't know what in the world I'm doing with Nealy.
Arg.

I
Love
You.

fuck.

for some weird reasons, i have been thinking about weddings.
things i have thought of:
i want a big wedding, like 300-400 people, at least for the reception.
this means, i want to have that many people to invite, so friends are needed.
lots of them.
and some have to be cool/high profile friends. (it just makes for a cooler wedding)
don't know where it would take place, but it should probably be outside.
if inside, i wouldn't really like to do it in an old style church.

other news:
>>>steve and eric came into town making it two weekends in a row for steve.
pauly shore was great and the alcohol helped to make it that way i'm sure.
i got a high five, a t-shirt, a homosexual comment, and a hug from pauly.
>>>i feel like cutting my hair again. i grew to like the new hair style, but my hair's gotten too long and difficult to handle for what i want. also, i've gone so long without dying it that it's mostly orange/natural so i'm just itching to colour it again. i'm thinking a real awesome red all over.
>>>talked with my parents again about school and life in general. we're planning out where my next college will be because there's not much at UTD. it's the least social college, next to quad c, and it's also really difficult. i don't plan on getting a degree here, so we're seeing where i could go as early as next semester!
>>>i usually don't like basic acoustic sets, but Priscilla Ahn's songs are pretty lyrically pleasing.
>>>i really need to make more friends. i lost mallory for a while with her ridiculous request for me to get to know her boyfriend just so her and i can finally hang out. as for chris, i don't know when i can talk to him again after he really angered me.

yeah, this post was dumb, but i thought i should start to vary up my postings.

i want one.

first off, sorry steve for spacing out and sending you into uncharted territory.
i should have been more aware of the situation with parker in your endeavor to denton.
i apologize because i should have been more specific/helpful.
sorry, buddy.

secondly, when do people decide it's time to really get at me?
i mean, i had one of my best friends really test my patience tonight.
chris (face) really got to me tonight.
i mean, i came over to his apartment tonight to hang out and see him.
i haven't seen him or talked to him in a while and i thought it was going to be fine.
but he invited a bunch more people and he just changed his whole demeanor.
but one thing really pissed me off.
he went out and said that it angered him when we talked about music.
he said he hated it when i would drop bands that people don't know about.
apparently, he doesn't like it when i bring up bands that he hasn't heard about.
he claims that it kills the conversation and makes him mad because he hasn't heard of them.
he also made a claim that i practically strive to name bands that poeple don't know.
it's almost that i want to be a music elitist, and that's what he's against.
where does he get off saying something like that?
i've been his friend since 8th grade and i have helped him through so much stuff.
i have always been there for him and for him to make such a statement is really hurtful.
i really don't think it bothers him that my feelings are hurt by such comments.
i'm sorry that i just spend my time on music blogs discovering bands.
i NEVER condescend to people about music, ever!
i just spend my time reading and i think he'd want to know about some up-and-coming artists.
he's one of my best friends, but sometimes, he really needs to take other people's feelings into consideration.
it really killed the night when we talked about this.
you don't see/hear me picking at his character...because i can.
but the different is that i won't.
i would never do that, especially not in front of a bunch of people.
it's really grinding my gears.
gah!

but, lately things have been going pretty well.
only regret i have right now is that i still can't seem to patch things up with catherine.
i really want to clear everything up because i miss her.
i want to talk with her again, because she's really fantastic.
anything i have to do in order to fix our friendship i will do.

side note: i'm lonely.

well, lately it's been strange.
strange, because i'm finally not sick.
i was sick for about an entire month.
i had a sinus infection pretty bad, which luckily took a nap for the trip to lubbock.
upon getting home, it came back ten-fold of what it was.
2 mondays ago, i was so sick i had to be hospitalized.
turns out i had pancreatitis and they kept me overnight into tuesday at the hospital.
after i got home, i spent that tuesday thru thursday stuck in bed trying to get better.
eventually, the antibiotics they gave me for pancreatitis also knocked out my sinus infection.
i feel so better/free now that i'm no longer sick.
it's really depressing to be sick all the time and so are overnight stays in the hospital.

lately it seems like i've been happy for no reason at all.
perhaps, this is one of the best kinds of happiness because of its intrinsic value.
yes, things have started to go on the upswing, but it feels that things are getting better because of what i'm doing.
i haven't relied on many outside influences lately for my mood.

we had our first game for the new Plano Men's Lacrosse team.
yours truly not only scored the inaugural first goal of the club, but also chipped in another.
yep, at this point, i'm the team's leading scorer and i'm proud of that.
however, i was also hit really hard by the other team's goalie and i was knocked down pretty hard.
but i got up again.
*cue the chumbawumba references, readers*

i'm on spring break right now which hasn't been all that eventful but i have enjoyed it.
it has been pretty stress-free, which i really needed.

current thoughts on the mind:
-shiner blonde is delicious.
-i wish there were blue moon rather than shiner blonde
-my 20th birthday is coming up soon-ish
-i'm finally dropping my business calculus class...YAY
-i don't like myself in my last LJ post, so I deleted it
-cat, i'm still really sorry. i want to talk, but if you still don't, i guess i understand
-steve's coming to dallas, oo oo steve come on my radio show!
-i'm not going to SXSW this year mostly because no one that I know is going. I can get a wristband for all-access for $160 from sam sohmer, but i wouldn't have a place to stay.
-north by southwest is this saturday, and i'm excited.
-got the death cab for cutie DVD today. i'll be watching it after this post
-i think i'll go out to Denton for the day and night tomorrow just to get out of Plano
-still making plans for St. Patty's. it helps to have Alex home and he's back to buying me alcohol.
-i really really want to hold hands with a girl of my choice...and cuddle.
-i made a nice list of characteristics of my dream girl. it's fanciful, yet i know she's out there. still debating as to whether or not post...probably won't.
-ben gibbard is coming to dallas on the 14th of may, aka the day after my birthday, and i got my pre-sale ticket. the show is going to rule and i hope i get to meet him.
-the radio show is continuing to grow. i always want more listeners. and again, thank you steve perry for the wonderful banner and show logo.

i miss folks and i can't wait until i get my car.
if you guys ever need anything, please don't hesitate to ask.

as for summer plans, i'm looking for record label interships, but i don't know what will present itself.

that's all for now.

When life's going pretty well, the little things start to get to me.
Life's been pretty good lately, school's going rather well, and I got my transfer application to UTD done last week.
All that's left on that front is tracking down my transcripts from Jesuit, Tech, and Quad C then carry them/mail them over to UTD. Fun times. All assuming I get accepted, the bigger issues of housing and class availability come into play. The house situation over there is crazy. There are so many students and so few housing options. So because both Alex and I would get into UTD, we'd preferably like to get an apartment together, but here's the snag. My parents have given Alex the remaining 13 grand in his college fund to spend however he wants. If we get an apartment, he'd pay for that. If we don't, he buys a car and commutes like a motherfucker to and from Richardson taking his planned 18 credit hours. Here's my thing, my parents are still holding onto my funds and I have my own car. The chances of me getting an apartment in student housing is impossible, because it's a lottery and you have to be a student in order to get into such a thing. Alex is in it, I think, so that's the only hope. So, the most likely scenario is that I'm still going to be living at home come spring. I'm none too thrilled, but I do have my own car, which is much better than these past 2 semesters at the wonderful CCCC campus. But, I'm still not living the college lifestyle of which I miss so much from days of old. Going out whenever I want, being around students and always having something to do, getting away from my dad, being independent, not feeling like a "big college reject" in essence. it's not pessimistic, it's just the frame of mind/reality. I want an apartment but because Alex doesn't want to pay for it, even if we find one, then I wont get to live there. It's going to be very very interesting come spring semester.
Lori. We got back together and have been legitimate for almost 3 weeks this time. Things that worry me: I knew it wasn't going to be a normal relationship because she's 17 and still in high school. She's a few of the things that I criticized about girls that I didn't like when I was in high school. However, most of the time I'm happy, but her immaturity is really annoying. She's very prone to being flaky, and at times I really question my trust in her. She's been a cheater before, and for that I worry. She's cute and adorable to the Nth degree, and that makes me feel good because of my semi-shallowness (LOL) but on the otherhand, there's always guys that are trying to get with her. I carry my low self-confidence fearing that someday, if not already, she's going to be more interested in a more attractive person than myself. And that kills me because it's definitely not the first, second, third, fourth time that it's happened with past relationships. here's the latest bother: she quit texadelphia which sent a message to me that she didn't want to work with me anymore (i know it's not the entire case) but she claims that it's because her dad doesn't want her to work anymore. flipside, she just told me that she's going to a job interview at a restaurant. i mean, come on. what kind of message does that send there? a shitty one. it's really bothering me right now, and it's been the inspiration for this post, of which i haven't made one in over a month now. i don't know what to do with her.

well, that's about all that goes on in my life these days.

there havent been too many opportunities for music promotion, which is lame.
I stopped coaching lacrosse for now, because it was getting too damn political and shitty.
I'm still working at Texadelphia, for the time being, but I am going to quit because it's getting shitty too.
I want to sell the Mercedes for something a little more low-key, because I can't take a Mercedes downtown, paying super premium gas prices is super shitty, and if anything happens to that car, i sure can't afford to fix it.

This has been a production of Zach's brain transcribed through his fingertips.
Thank you for reading.

Ok, the whole Lori situation.
Yes, it's kind of weird with the slight age difference, and some certain things she does make me question things.
It seems that she's much more into me than I am into her.
I like the fact that she can make me smile, but really unfortunately, at the end of the day, it kinda creeps me out.
I mean, she's cool and such, but I'm really starting to see that we dont have a thing in common.
Differing everythings, as it's seen now.
She's cute, but I almost feel bad about how I think of her.
She's always horny, and you'd think that would be awesome, but I feel bad afterwards because she's growing more attached after each sexual act.
I don't want to get attached, and unfortunately, she may be starting to see it.
Yes, I have gone extremely long without sex and whatnot, but should I really just use someone for it.
She's going to get attached, and I'm going to hurt her feelings/emotions.
I just have to keep my guard up.
This relationship is so wacky.
It's moving really really fast.
And she's immature.
I mean, we mess around and she'll go down on me and yes it's amazing, but at the end, I feel bad.
She's young and the ironic thing is that I was getting on one of my other friends for dating that young over the summer.
I'm such a hypocrit in this sense.
I feel bad with it, and tonight, she went down and then kept saying that she wanted to have sex.
I pushed it off for so long until I just couldn't put it off any further.
Luckily, we didn't actually go all the way, but I did enter her and it was tight and hurt so badly.
But now, looking back on it, I totally shouldn't have done that.
I regret that, but thankfully it was only for a little bit.
She's so young and hasn't done much.
Me just going on for sexual favors is terrible.
The weird thing is, that I don't ask for these, she just wants to do them and I'm a guy.
I'm sorry, I am a terrible person, and I'm so confused by this.
I need a mature relationship.
One that's NOT based on sex and likestuffs.
I don't know what to do.
She makes me smile, but at the end I feel bad.
I don't like these feelings.
She's too young and immature and I don't want to hurt her.

Help

lawlz.

Alcohol is not a depressant.
Finding out that the girl you've fallen for has a boyfriend is.
I mean, seriously.
We would talk.
She would be impressed.
We'd sit in my car, listen to music, talk about everything, and I'd feel a good connection.
And then tonight, her boyfriend is there.
Why should I feel intimidated by him?
Because I'm a nice person, back out for her sake, and let them be.
For once I'd really like to put myself first.
I think I owe it to myself.
I'm a really good/nice/handsome guy, and I think I bring a lot to the table.
So why do girls choose others?
What's wrong with me?
I know it's got to be something with me, because I view the girls I have a thing for in high esteem.
Sheez.
I mean, I thought this was gonna be fun, and we'd party, and we'd just have a good time like we do.
But no, once again I get screwed over.
Do I press the issue and try to take over and be the new bf?
I really wanna know.
I really want to get to know her and hang out.
Geez.
I hate it when I make it really awkward by showing my emotions to girls.
And especially when I say things that I immediately regret and sabotage everything.
How can so many guys find success in this area, yet I keep striking out.
I mean, honestly.
I see so many girls that I are amazing/pretty/awesome/fantastic and they're taken.
Why can't I get in a position to be the taker?
I really deserve it.
I know I don't have a proven track record of success, but it just takes one girl to vouch for me.
Lori was really amazing.
Cute.
Dancer.
Hispanic.
Really nice and always made me comfortable.
We'd talk and talk about everything.
And then she's taken.
Why me?
Why?