eyethruthescope

Needed to get these out.
No real reason for being philosophical.

I am too quick to judge, really-I give everyone a fair chance in the beginning. If they do something to irk me, I can sense it. Reason for being, I've met a lot of people from all across the board. I can read people pretty well and pick up on their subtleties. Also, I'm admitting that jealousy does sometimes come into play with judgments. Sorry, I'm a terrible person.
I don't look out for Number 1-To clarify, I'm not talking urination. I mean that I don't care about myself for the most part. This isn't a fake plea saying that I'm 100% altruistic. It means that I haven't taken a keen interest in my own well being. I don't make big decisions on my own. I rely on others to make decisions for me. It's easier that way, but then I end up feeling next to nothing when I have no heart/mind into a decision. I need to focus on myself and what I am doing in life.
I am better than you think and I should show it (it's supposed to be horribly vague)
I get jealous
I am usually unhappy and I wish against all wishes to naturally be upbeat
Over the past break, I find that I am really behind in the college process. I can't stand hearing about people freaking out about interviews, internships, and what classes they're taking. I don't worry about that. But should I?
I really don't have anything in common with the people I graduated high school with. They're all off at their schools doing well and living out the college cliche. Jealous? Sometimes.
I don't have enough friends. Thanks UTD.

i can't find anything to smile about.
give me something to smile about, please.
make this pain in my chest go away.
it's not heart-related, i hope...but it really hurts.
seriously, every morning when i wake up my chest hurts.
it's like a throbbing pain that comes and goes.

semester's ending and people will be leaving.
most of my friends from school will be heading back home and i'll probably not see them til January.
Alex is graduating in a few weeks and he's looking to move to Montana in early January for AmeriCorps work for a year.

I don't know how my entire family will react, really.
It's scary what this could do to everyone.

I registered for my next semester at UTD already, so I'm sticking around as planned.
As for next fall...who knows.
My parents are really pressing me to finish up here.
I think it will be easiest and cheapest to do so.
However, it's really boring and really difficult.
If I stay here, my parents are saying I can get an apartment.
It's terrible that they're taking this thing that I want so badly and hanging it over my head to try and keep me around now that Alex will be gone.
Then again, it's nice they're offering a possibility of getting an apartment for me.

Everyday is a challenge and I really want a day off from my life.

How can you expect to grow and evolve when you're spinning your wheels in a place you haven't left?
This question comes to me as I look at my life in basically, a rut.
I do the same thing, day in and day out.
It's almost that I've been programmed to do so.
I am a habitual being by nature, and in my current living situation, habits are life.
I have to base my life and schedule mainly around the people I live with.
I am trying to break out of daily routines just because they bore me.
I need excitement!
I need adventure!
I need change!
This is why I feel I've kept jumping schools, in a sense.
I can't stay in a place for that long.
Actually, I can't do anything for that long unless I have the deep passion for it.
I've grown accustomed to moving around between 12 different houses in my childhood.
I can't change any of that, but I want to be able to change my future.
I love changing the people that I hang out with, because it forces me to make friends, and when I see friends I haven't seen in a while, I can really appreciate them more.

I have all these aspirations, but because I am still financially dependent, I feel like I'm not in control of my own fate at this point.
I can't get piercings.
I can't get tattoos.
I get crap whenever I want to change my hairstyle/color, eventhough I pay for it.
It's just change.
It's expression.
I can't move out because it's too much money and who knows if I transfer in the fall.
I can't get motivated enough to work to my potential in school.

It's just the reflex/pendulum theory.
The harder and harder you push something, the harder and harder it's going to push back in the opposite direction.
My parents have pushed me so hard and have set so many boundaries/limitations/regulations that I just want to push against it.


When life has no change, life has no meaning.

utd is sad.
plain and simple.
i have adults telling me that it's such a good school, but i just don't see it.
there are just concrete buildings, basically no events ever happening on campus, and everyone commutes.
i am still living at home, and i am really sick of it.
i know it's nice to have a home to be at, and a car, and it's the cheapest living available.
but i want need my independence.
i have talked about this extensively with my parents, but they are against me getting an apartment.
why?
because there's not much money left in my college account.
why?
because my dad squandered most of it by keeping it in his failing companies.
i really do use squander, because it didn't need to be there.
anyone could have told you that the stock market is not safe.
i don't care how long you have been in the business world, it's proven to not be safe.
also, i want to transfer away from utd. (big surpise)
this would make college numero 4 for me.
a record, perhaps? no.
but i can't get a good rate for an apartment if i transfer somewhere in august '08.
i could get an apartment for 9 months, but who knows for how much.
and i can't find a roommate, because josh is content with living back at his house.

other news!
still coaching at plano west.
i am in the offensive coordinator for the varsity team.
but it's the same story, kind of, as being at utd.
being a high school lacrosse coach for my third year, at age 20, is unheard of.
ever.
and my parents keep telling me how great it is for a resume, but i don't see it now.
it's really time consuming, it's frustrating, i haven't been paid yet, and again frustrating.
i'm way younger/less experienced than other coaches so i don't get respect.
you know, i've done enough coaching to put it on my resume, but i need to money.
i could get another job, hopefully one less frustrating, but who knows.

am i extremely humble, or just lacking self-confidence to not have the whole coaching/utd thing really affect me?

girls are still a miss.
it comes down to the lack of the attractive/cool ones at utd.
i mean, it sounds ridiculous to say that there are none, but i'm pretty sure it's true.
i haven't found any, besides nealy, but perhaps the others are commuters and i just haven't seen them yet.

i'm really just looking to find something permanent.
permanence has been lacking my whole life.
i can go and list the instances:
-changing colleges twice, and looking for a third transfer.
-constantly moving around while growing up.
-ever-changing friend situations
-never really kept a girlfriend very long
-i've got a changing family with people going every different direction all around me.

i need something permanent, and it can't be being confused.
or how about permanently not being sad.

it may sound bad, but i really think if my parents get a divorce, it would be better in the long run.
my mom deserves a better husband.
alex, daniel, and i deserve a better father figure.
he provides money for everything we basically need, but he thinks that's all he has to do.
and because he does so, he thinks he can tell anyone to do anything.
and neglect my mom and just never supply companionship.
but, in the end, it's not my call, but i really hate that mom told me that she was thinking about getting a divorce.
it's really not what i need to have on my mind.

ive had crippling migraines this past week, and again, they have started up already for this week.
awesome.

i want a girlfriend.
it's fucking time.
i need someone to make me happy being where i am in life.
yes, i had admitted that i can't find it within myself to do so.
i have a lot to offer, but i can't help to shake this inkling that i come off as creepy.
for real.
i cannot keep anyone's attention, much less females'.
i really hope it's not true, but it may just be.
i don't know what could be causing it.
do i come off as desperate?
i don't want to be, but i just may be desperate since it's been so long.
and the last few relationships i had, ended terribly.
argh.
i miss holding hands with a girl.
i miss hugging a girl.
i miss kissing a girl.
i miss cuddling with a girl.
i miss having a girl.

all the guys out there are doing something right, and why can't i?

sign me up for the next season of the pick-up artist.

I've finally found the time to recap my entire vacation, so here we go.
Staying with Sam's extended family for 3 days was dumb.
York, Pennsylvania Leg
*I appreciate having a place to stay for a few days, but I didn't need to get there early.
*Philadelphia Eagles training camp in 105 degrees is never fun.
*And I don't care for pro football.
*Places in Pennsylvania like Crystal's Cave, Intercourse, Hellertown (right next to Bethlehem) make me LOL.
*Sam's family is weird through and through, more than most families.
*I was uber-excited to leave.
Baltimore/Virgin Festival Leg
*Baltimore is sketch, plain and simple.
*When you pass a place called "Super Kennedy's Fried Chicken" it really scares you.
*Sam's 18 year old cousin was the worst driver ever, and I have never wanted to punch a girl so much
*EconoLodge has no reason to charge $160/night.
*Sam's cousin electing to sleep on the dirty floor with the even dirtier comforter as her blanket made me smile, because she just doesn't know how dirty/disease-ridden they are.
**Virgin Festival Recap**
Day 1/Saturday
*Shout Out Out Out Out was amazing and there was no better way to kick off the Festival.
*I met and hung out with all of them after playing electric cowbell for one of their songs onstage with them.
*Having to wait through Amy Winehouse and Cheap Trick was worth it to see Incubus
*Amy Winehouse is way too skinny/boring but I did get to meet her and share a Mountain Dew with her, so oh well.
*Incubus was awesome, except for the heat/dust/lack of water/tons of dudebro's, but still amazing. I caught Jose's drumstick since we were only 3 people back from the front barrier.
*Walked from there to get refreshments and saw Peter Bjorn & John and they were delightful and then followed them to the autograph sesh where we chatted and so forth.
*Didn't make too much effort to see LCD Soundsystem but luckily, they played Daft Punk is Playing at My House second, so that was enough for me.
*Beastie Boys were great live but then I went over to TV on the Radio where I was enjoying myself a lot and then asked if I would come up on stage and play maracas for one song because I was in the front and jumped at the opportunity.
*I thanked them all and them I hung out in the VIP box above the stage and hung out with 3 of the guys from Shout Out again and we had a great time.
*The Police drew the major older crowd while Modest Mouse entertained the younger one.
Day 2/Sunday
*Dan Deacon started with problems with his keyboard, but we still had fun there dancing while Gregg Gillis aka Girl Talk heckled him saying "You're eating into my stagetime!"</b>
*I then helped Dan carry some equipment to his little area in the dance tent while Gregg set-up his computer and began his introduction.
*I didn't leave the backstage area and when he started music and asked for people to come up on stage, I ran on and proceeded to dance my heart out to the best concert of my life.
*At the end, I went up and met Gregg and thanked him for blowing our collective minds.
*Sam had caught Gregg's sunglasses when he threw them out and then upon begging Sam for them, he gave them to me. Yessir.
*We then headed over to the North Stage and hung out for Regina Spektor (who was just tickled to be performing), Spoon (sound problems really hindered their set), Panic! at the Disco (they were alright, but it's shocking how many guys in their 20s were screaming for them to play...yikes.)
*The Yeah Yeah Yeahs were amazing, as always, with Karen O being possessed by the music. Afterwards, I was able to meet guitarist Nick Zinner while he was walking to the South Stage.
*Then we forged forward in to the crowd through Interpol waiting for the Pumpkins set.
*Finally the time was here! It had been overcast the whole day and it began raining lightly right before the Smashing Pumpkins went on.
*It had taken me hours of waiting that day, and months before, to see them and I made it to the front and center for the whole set.
*Absolutely amazing lightshow, Billy Corgan, Jimmy Chamberlin, and the other new members were great. They mixed new Zeitgeist tracks in with old classics.
*They opened with the new United States track and lengthened it to about 15 minutes, threw in a few jam minutes here and there, played 1979, Zero, and other favorites, and then ended with a spectacular version of Heavy Metal Machine.
*Side note-Anyone noticed the new bassist? She's gorgeous and rather than tapping her feet to the beat, she gyrated her hips and seduced the 40,000+ in attendance.
*Alas, the Festival was over and we headed to the BWI Comfort Suites for the night.
*The next morning I hopped on the AmTrak to Washington D.C. to stay with my family there and got back on Friday evening.
I've been catching up on some much needed sleep and I have to say, it's nice to sleep in my own bed again after 10 days.

so it's been mostly music buzz lately.
leaving for my whirlwind baltimore/pa/baltimore/georgetown trip on wednesday.
super excited to say the least.
they posted the schedule for the 2 days of Virgin Festival and I get into the same trap as I do whenever I go to festivals:
i see the bands.
i see the stages.
i try to plan out how i want to see the bands.
i see how the bands overlap and are on opposite ends of the venue area.
however!
it's pretty well arranged for my liking and hopefully i'll be able to see at least 5 of my top picks.
can't freaking wait.
and oddly enough, modest mouse is the last band playing on day 1 and not the police.
weird.

in other music news, i bought a bass.
a beautiful, shiny, new gibson thunderbird in a natural wood finish.
i really want to learn it and see if a band could come into the picture.
maybe i'll get one with utd?
i wanna play and sing if i get the chance, but right now i'm really inspired.
i know that during the festival, i'll only get more inspired.
i've always had the thought in the back of my mind and i've done two other small band gigs, most recently over 2 years ago.
again, nothing was huge because they were just for one show and then were done with.

i love music.
i love listening to it.
i want to love playing it.
i want to have people loving the music i hope to make.
playing concerts.
jamming around.
having adoring fans.
having fun.

i'm just in a really good place right now.

oh and steve, my music festival can kick your music festival's ass.
BECAUSE I'VE GOT GIRL TALK!
love you, steve.

post script.
i met joe rogan tonight.
who knew he was only 5 foot 7.
and that he said WAY too many penis jokes and i've never heard a comic use the word Fuck as many times as he did.

thoughts come flooding in after certain stimuli.
it's a strange phenomenon, the human mind.

i've been thinking a lot lately, because basically, i haven't been up to that much.
my family issues are starting to sort themselves out, i believe.
mom and dad are trying to get along more, but i still hear mom's outbursts complaining.
i really wonder what happens, but not for my sake, but more for daniel's and mom's.
dad is too oblivious and pre-occupied with work for him to really know what's going on.
i really really need to get my apartment and stop living at home.
i'm done with the circus and the crap that goes on here.
it's just day-in and day-out people getting tired of one another.
every interaction seemed strained with my family.
i mean, even talking about a family vacation was torture.
could you even imagine keeping all of us together somewhere we couldn't get away from each other?
i'd call that hell.
probably the 2nd circle, maybe the 3rd. i'll check.
but thankfully, travel plans tend to disperse us. oh so thankfully.
i leave for my baltimore trip on the 1st of august and get this:
i fly to baltimore and sam and his mom are driving 2 hours from york, pennsylvania to pick me up.
then i go back with them to hang out with their family and go to Eagles training camp.
yep, they are hardcore philly eagles fans, so we'll have fun i'm sure.
i've already been told, by sam's mom, that their family will get me drunk because i DD'ed sam a few months back.
how awesome is that?
then we'll head back to the baltimore-area on friday the 3rd and check into our star-studded econolodge for...
awesome.
i have never been more excited with a festival.
i got tickets and you don't.
booyah!
the pumpkins, incubus, girl talk, peter bjorn & john, tv on the radio, ben harper, shout out out out, modest mouse, beastie boys, yeah yeah yeahs, 311, spoon, AND THEY JUST FREAKING ADDED BOTH DAN DEACON AND EXPLOSIONS IN THE SKY!
yeah, semi-orgasm was just experienced after i checked the lineup again.
parties, orgies, heatstroke and similar activities will consume the weekend (hopefully no health issues, for real).
then on monday, i take a train from baltimore into the amazing Union Station in Georgetown for 4 more days there with more extended family.
what an amazing trip worked out for me.
i can't wait.

however, life's been boring mostly.
i haven't really been out much.
and i came to realize some things today.
i seem to get attracted to girls that have some spark of interest for me.
im talking about things such as really cool hair and makeup.
they just spark my intrigue but the same thing always happens.
they turn out to have REALLY BIG WALLS put up and i can't figure them out.
i'm not making it a point to figure girls out, because i never ever will.
i'm referring to just getting to know them.
i don't know if it's me or their own agendas, but i they don't get into me.
i show my interest but i just come on too strong.
i need to chill out and just have good times.
seriously, it's not like it's the name of my radio show or anything.
oh wait, it is.
(clink)
i want to just meet people, preferably near me.
i'm sick of being single.
seeing couples all around me.
i want that.
it's been long enough and i'm ready for a successful relationship.
something longer than a month or two.
pick me!
i'm desperate, but they don't need to know that.

i happen to think im pretty good looking.
i'm not ugly.
i take care of myself appearance-wise.
i need work on the inside though.
i'm starting to get more knotches in my belt, so i want to now show off my confidence more.
confidence is something that i need to show more of, because it's just so damn important not only for myself, but also appeals to females.
because no one wants an emo-kid, really.

i want to cuddle with a special girl.
i've been having dreams of it and now i want it to come true.

i really don't understand why i can't be like so many people and be in a relationship.
i mean, i have my theories on it, but i don't really know what's stopping me.
i know that i 9 out of 10 times will get choked up and not have an ounce of confidence going up and talking to a random girl that i like.
but why?
failed track record, that's why.
relationships haven't come easy for me.
they've always been broken off by the girl.
always.
perhaps i hang on to the relationship and tell myself things will work out.
another thing, sex really messes it up.
i've my lesson on that.
sex and other actions relating to sex too early is an almost guaranteed failed relationship.
unless you're not me, and you have better luck.
i need to find girls that i can just be comfortable with.
i don't like having to feel like i can't be myself around them.
it's a sad notion, but i now have figured out all my qualities and what i can really offer a girl.
i need to stop idolizing girls and sex and the combination of such.
i need to just stop caring about those things so i can stop feeling lonely and wanting a relationship.
i must come off too strong to girls and just sabotage any chance of a relationship.
i hate it when i have feelings for a girl and then i can just talk and talk about anything with her at first but then after a little bit, my feelings really kick in and i become self-conscious about what i'm saying.
i think i start by showing girls that i am fun and outgoing until i end up being quiet and then ultimately freaking them out and making myself look needy and desperate.
it's happened so many times.
i can look back and say that the most fun relationships that i have had started the same way.
i came off as confident, witty, and fun.
i am all of those things, but it takes the right situation for all of them to come out.
i have confidence in myself and i really wish a girl would take the small risk on me.
really soon, i might add.

I'm 20.
Score.
Get it?

Wow.
I finished the Spring Semester on Wednesday.
It's almost too early for it to sink in.
Dyed my hair blonde, well, most of it at least.
Neil Hamburger tomorrow.
And I don't know what in the world I'm doing with Nealy.
Arg.